Netiquette

Someone who you do not consider to be your equal will contact you.  It is inevitable.  I can't tell you how many men over my father's age have shown interest.  I don't go for older men but some women do.  I can't get mad at them for trying even though it can be annoying and inside I am screaming "What were you thinking?". 

Remember your Netiquette and be nice! Just because someone is not your ideal match, it doesn't give you the right to be horrible to them.  I send a "Thanks but No Thanks" response and wish them good luck in their search.  This lets them know, as kindly as possible, that they don't stand a chance and gets me off the hook from future contact with them. 

If you think this extra step is just too much work and isn't worth it, just realize at some point you will be on the other end with someone not interested in you.  How would you want to be treated? 

Waterloo

There is a new war that I didn't realize was going on.  Online dating changed the typical way that men and women used to communicate.  When it comes to contacting someone online the old rules of men making the first move are out.  It is an equal playing field as far as the internet is concerned.  Men and women both have to go and put themselves out there.  But you eventually meet.  Does the playing field change to old social norms? Do old social norms still exist?

Once you meet in person I think that old social norms should reappear for a date.  Men should offer, not automatically act, with chivalry.  Like opening doors, helping someone put their coat on, walking closest to the street, saying something sweet, and showing respect. 

The next part of this is who pays for the first date?  When I discuss this with my friends in my age group we agree that the man should pay for the first date but when I talk with younger people, they go dutch.  So what is appropriate?  Whose job is it?  I am trying to find a medium ground.  If you meet for the first time and have coffee then going dutch is totally acceptable.  If you have a great time take it to the next level with a full date then maybe the man should consider paying.  If you skip the coffee and go straight to the date then going dutch is okay.  There probably is no right and wrong and we all need to not judge a person based on their request to go dutch the first date. 

She's a Maniac

Hopefully not, hopefully the person you have been talking with looks like their photo and has an even greater personality in person.  You've scheduled your first date and now you are nervous.  I don't want to make things worse but there a couple more things to worry about.  But once you have taken care of the details below I hope that your nerves will subside and you will have a great first date. 

Safety Part II, Meeting for the first time 

Here is a quick list and a link that provides safe meeting ideas. 

1. Meet in a public place 
2. Don't give out your address or home phone (if you still have one)
3. Provide your own transportation
4. Go dutch so your date doesn't think you "owe" them anything
5. Let friends and family know where you will be

http://www.onlinedatingmagazine.com/articles/datingsafely.html

You can't be to cautious so please be careful out there! 

867-5309

The first phone conversation.  So you've been chatting and emailing someone for a while now.You've googled his full name and nothing came back to make you worry.  Luckily, he doesn't look like the stalker type.

It is really hard to get to know someone on such a flat communication surface like the Internet.  A phone call is necessary to really start to get to know someone.  No matter how exciting a profile might seem, I play it safe and I usually wait about a month of frequent communication (couple times a week) before a phone conversation.  Different rules apply when you live in the same city which will be covered in the future. 

Men should give out their number first  and allow the girl the option to respond.  This isn't due to chivalry, well maybe a little, but it is a safety concern.  I have often texted someone first for a couple days and then schedule a phone date.  Scheduling a certain time is important for both of you.  I like to be able to dedicate some time where I am not distracted by other things so that I can get a better read on the guy.  Sometimes you know right away that it isn't going to work but if the other person is shy give them a second call.  Both men and women are less nervous the second call around. 

Everybody have fun tonight

How about a good laugh? 

Don't Give Up

At some point in your journey of online dating you will want to give up.  It is easy to get confused, overwhelmed, and frustrated by this medium of communication.  Don't give up. 

If you need to, it is okay to take time off from dating.  If it’s not going well and wearing you out, time off will let you recharge your batteries and get your confidence and optimism levels back up.  We all hit rough patches, but don’t let your search for that special someone become a death march.

She's Got the Look

or He's got the look; either way you want to make first contact with a profile you've seen online.

What's the best way to go?  Most dating sites offer a preset message option that all basically say "I'm Into You," but ignore it.  That is cheating (and lame).  Send an actual message and within the message comment on something about their profile.  This shows that 1. you actually read their profile and 2. you aren't only concerned with looks because you looked beyond the pictures. 

The message doesn't have to be long or funny or even creative but it does have to show thought.  Try to be friendly and introduce yourself.  It is a good idea to ask a question about a hobby or interest of theirs.  Unfortunately, I have had multiple messages that simply read "How are you doing?" at which point I return with "Good. How are you?".  You ask a generic answer, I will give a generic response.  Frankly, I didn't learn anything about the person and so didn't feel like sharing anything either. That is a slow way to start a conversation. 

This form of getting to know someone does not feel comfortable at first but give it time and eventually if the emails go well you may just move to the next step of a phone call! 

You're just too good to be true

Both men and women write what they think the opposite sex wants to hear. 

Women write about how much they love camping and sports.  Men write about how much they like cooking and kids.  Some people genuinely like those things, but subconsciously they know it'll attract more of the opposite sex if they're speaking directly to that person's own likes and hobbies.  I do it in my profile.  I say all kinds of things like I like to hike and camp and even own my own snowboard.  Now, I don't think there is anything wrong with that but the trouble comes when you stretch the truth too far.  I also say that I only do those activities for fun so they know I am not a competitive athlete.  Don't try to be somebody your not.  Eventually the truth will come out.  An online dating profile is like a resume; include your true strengths and experiences and omit your weaknesses but do it all without lying.  Your little discrepancies will start coming out with your first phone conversation and too many little white lies will have the other person running for the hills. 

What's the name of the game?

I could have also named this post "It's Raining Men" because with hundreds of possible online dating websites there are thousands of singles looking for love (some a little more than others).  Out of all those options, what site will be best for you?  This depends on what you are looking for.  First ask yourself what do you want out of it?  Determine what kind of relationships you are looking for and what you want out of that type of relationship.  The type of relationship you want will greatly influence your choice of site.  This website is very helpful and provides a full process for selecting a dating website:  http://dating.about.com/od/onlinedating/ht/choosedating.htm

Here are some general segments of dating websites: 

Free or Paid:  Most of the popular dating websites charge a monthly fee and offer a discount with pre-payment.  There are also free websites which I suggest you stay away from.  I'm sure there are nice people on a free site but too many are just looking for a booty call and that is not how I roll. 

Mass Market or Niche:  The mass market sites are like eHarmony and Match.com.  They boast millions of members and can do a lot of sorting for you.  If you want a large base with no initial common ground than these sites are a good place to start.  They even sometimes offer free weekends so you can try them out without having to pay.  The other option is to use a niche site which offers connections based on religion, race, hobbies, money, education, there are all kinds of crazy groups out there ( but I've gotta keep this blog clean).  These are great because they take out a little of the guess work if you are very particular about wanting a certain trait or quality in your future date.  On the other hand the dating pool is waaaaay smaller which leads to fewer interactions. 

Other than free or paid and mass or niche, dating websites have become part of a herd.  For the most part they all offer quizzes to increase successful matching, chatting, email, video interviews, and allow posting multiple photos.  No matter what site you choose make sure they offer protective security and privacy policies and allow you to block and/or complain about people who are offensive or you just don't want to communicate with. This is also important if you see an ex on the site, that could be real awkward. 

TopDatingTips.com offers a great comprehensive list of dating website qualifications including safety concerns and other considerations.  http://www.topdatingtips.com/dating-sites.htm

There is nothing wrong with joining multiple sites but don't join so many that you look desperate!  Online dating takes a lot of time! 

Safety Part I

This post won't be funny.  It can't be funny.  For your physical, financial, and emotional health and safety there are certain steps to take to be safe while online dating. Please read this great comprehensive list about online dating safety provided by Match.com:  http://www.match.com/help/safetytips.aspx

In general don't share any personal information such as name and contact info until you have developed a lengthy online association.  Never, ever share financial information or give anybody money, ever.  Even after you meet them.  My extra advice is to avoid using the same user name that you use elsewhere.  You don't want a stalker hunting you down on other social media sites because of information you shared in your profile or user name. 

I don't want anybody to be afraid of online dating because of these concerns.  Just remember, most people are good people but you still need to protect yourself. 

Let it be...

We all looked our best in our early twenties and maybe we used to do all kinds of fun activities.  But if you are, say, forty today then you need to look like a forty year old in your pictures.  Just because you used to be a runner five years ago doesn't mean you still run today.  Let it be.  Let the information and pictures on your profile represent who you are today.  Let your profile say what you can offer someone today not how you would have treated them in the past. 

Even though I am older than the last time I was on the dating scene, I actually feel that I have more to offer now.  I am more comfortable in my own shoes and the experiences that have changed my life have made me a better person.  So when you see my profile, you will see pictures taken within the last year, a description of my personality as it is now, and hobbies I currently enjoy (or at least participated in the last year).  I suggest you do the same. 

Jeepers Creepers, Where'd You Get Those Peepers?

For a profile to be successful, the most important thing are the pictures. If you have no pictures, you will get no interest. Doesn't matter how awesome an introduction paragraph you can write. No pictures, no meeting new people.

I could end this post here but I should provide a few pointers (which are also my pet peeves) about the photos that people post to their profile. These are all big no-no's. 

1.  Pictures taken with cell phones (not enough focus, if you don't have a digital camera I bet the first person you call on that cell phone of yours will have a camera)

2.  Self portraits (one corner of the pic is always taken up by an arm and you get really weird angles)

3.  Pictures that don't include the user (your dog may be great but I am not interested in dating your dog, your truck, or your sister)

4.  Pictures that minimize the user (the scenery is great but what do you look like?)

5.  The picture that combines them all: Self portraits in the mirror, enough said. 

What you do want are pictures that show off your best features and make you look happy and confident.  You are trying to put your best foot forward and when you are competing against thousands of other online daters you need all the help you can get.  Don't be afraid of asking friends for feedback on your profile.  If you are really worried about your pictures just post a picture of yourself with uglier friends.  Just don't let those friends know the real reason you want to take a picture with them. 

Oh Yes It's Ladies Night

A friend of mine, chadillac23, pointed out that dating websites are designed to attract women. I had never thought about this before but his argument makes sense.  Here is what he said: 

"Seems like a site's popularity is driven by how many women they can attract. It's kind of like how clubs will have ladies night: if you let the ladies in for free, more of them will show up, and now that you have a plethora of ladies you will have more men (who are the ones who spend the most money). Instead of ladies night, these sites offer something different. The layout is more appealing to women (or so i've been told). Some sites have "cyber gifts" you can send, and they're all gifts for women (flowers, candy, teddy bears, etc...). I think the main thing that attracts ladies to a site (and hence, attract more men), are the tests and personality profiles. The more women these sites attract, the more men end up there too."

So ladies, if you show up online then the men will follow.  Isn't that just their way?  All jokes aside, men and women may both complain about the quality of people online but you gotta go somewhere to meet new people and online dating isn't going anywhere but is only getting stronger! 

We Only Get What We Give

We only get what we give.  Isn't that true for most things in life?  Anything really worth having requires work and online dating is no different.  If you want to meet someone new then you have to make the first move.  I planned on saving this topic for later in the series but after careful consideration I decided this was too important to wait.  You need to know what is expected of you before putting in considerable time and effort on setting up a profile of interesting commentary and good-looking pictures. 

Nobody is so beautiful that they can sit back and just wait for the "flirts" (online dating function) to come in.  Except maybe a male doctor.  I am pretty sure they get bombarded.  Sitting back and waiting will not make this online tool work and will cause you frustration and can be hard on your self-esteem.  On the other side of the coin you need to develop a tough skin for rejections.  All of us get rejected so don't feel bad, it doesn't mean that anything is wrong with you. 

In addition, nobody will know you are interested until you tell them.  You need to be the one who writes a message and starts a conversation.  Sometimes you will get a response, sometimes you won't.  No big deal.  Send out another message to somebody new and see what happens.  It won't be easy but anybody who has made a new friend online will tell you it is worth it.

Hi! My name is..(what?), my name is..(who?)

The hook.  How do you get someone to click on your profile?  First they see a picture and then next to that is your profile name and the first few lines of a your profile bio.  Then they click on the person they want to view to read the rest of their bio.  Besides the picture (obviously), a hook is a great way to draw in the crowds. 

Here is my favorite opening line of the week:  "Nice guy seeking nice girl. Like they say on autotrader.com... too many extras to list, please call for more information!"  It's simple, creative and not to long; interesting enough that I want to learn more about that person. 

Here is my opening line from my current profile:  "Everybody thinks they are a good catch and to somebody everybody is; however, here is what makes me a GREAT catch:".  Huh? Huh? Don't you want to know more about me now? 

Normally "My name is ..." is a great way to start a conversation but online it is the most boring introduction ever not to mention it isn't safe!  Don't include any personal information in your profile (I will spend more time on safety in a future post).  The other common mistake is to just barge right in with phrases like "I love to fish".  That sure gets me going, not.  Hobbies are great to include in your profile but they aren't necessarily going to encourage visits to your site.  A successful online dating profile is measured just like a business website, the more visits you get to your site the more likely you are to get a sale or, uh, I mean date. 

Girls Just Want to Have Fun...

One of my biggest pet peeves on dating profiles is when people write "I like to have fun" or "I love to laugh".  Helloooo??? Who doesn't?  Aren't those just basic human wants and feelings?  I know I love to do both and so that should just be a given for any person, man or woman.  There are much better ways to describe yourself than in such generic terms. 

First, answer these questions:  How do I like to have fun? and What makes me laugh? 

For example, I personally like British sketch comedy shows.  If I found a guy who liked them as much as me we might never leave the couch.  I also think that playing board and card games and going to improv shows are tons of fun.  Share activities and likes that could be shared someday as a future couple.  Be careful  because as a female seeking male I probably don't want to describe my idea of fun as a mani/pedi if I want a manly man.  There is a safe assumption here that some activities I have as a female, a guy wouldn't like and they don't have to be shared between us.  

Second, try to have at least one witty comment in your profile.  It doesn't have to be some off the wall knock-knock joke and you aren't trying to pretend to be something you're not but showing a little humor and wit will make you look more approachable and even smarter when done right.  Don't use humor that is crass or disrespectful.  Be careful when poking fun at yourself because you don't want to show a lack of confidence  or a "woe is me" attitude. 

Humor is definitely more important to some people than others.  Once I dated a guy who did not laugh at the same movies I do and I almost dumped him then and there.  (I kept him around a while longer but I should have known better because of his lack of refined comedic palette).  Complementing humor types can be an important part of a partnership so don't overlook it when reading a profile but remember that a profile can't share what is a person's true fun factor. 

Here I go, Again on my own....

Going down the only road I've ever known....  Actually, I have never experienced this road before.  The last time I dated was in the good ol'days before the Internet.  Online dating is supposedly the way to go now days.  I like the idea of the online dating website.  It is very appealing that I can meet thousands of men without having to do my hair or put on a pair of heels. Well, eventually I'll have to but by that time I will have hopefully weeded out those that the effort would be wasted on. 


Looking through other's dating profiles I have realized that online dating is nothing more than selling yourself through a title, brief description and a few photographs.  Can I sell myself without really selling myself?  How do I put myself out there without coming across as a ditz, dork, deranged, or anything in between?  That is what I aim to conquer with this blog as I voyage into the dating world, again.