She's a Maniac

Hopefully not, hopefully the person you have been talking with looks like their photo and has an even greater personality in person.  You've scheduled your first date and now you are nervous.  I don't want to make things worse but there a couple more things to worry about.  But once you have taken care of the details below I hope that your nerves will subside and you will have a great first date. 

Safety Part II, Meeting for the first time 

Here is a quick list and a link that provides safe meeting ideas. 

1. Meet in a public place 
2. Don't give out your address or home phone (if you still have one)
3. Provide your own transportation
4. Go dutch so your date doesn't think you "owe" them anything
5. Let friends and family know where you will be

http://www.onlinedatingmagazine.com/articles/datingsafely.html

You can't be to cautious so please be careful out there! 

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The first phone conversation.  So you've been chatting and emailing someone for a while now.You've googled his full name and nothing came back to make you worry.  Luckily, he doesn't look like the stalker type.

It is really hard to get to know someone on such a flat communication surface like the Internet.  A phone call is necessary to really start to get to know someone.  No matter how exciting a profile might seem, I play it safe and I usually wait about a month of frequent communication (couple times a week) before a phone conversation.  Different rules apply when you live in the same city which will be covered in the future. 

Men should give out their number first  and allow the girl the option to respond.  This isn't due to chivalry, well maybe a little, but it is a safety concern.  I have often texted someone first for a couple days and then schedule a phone date.  Scheduling a certain time is important for both of you.  I like to be able to dedicate some time where I am not distracted by other things so that I can get a better read on the guy.  Sometimes you know right away that it isn't going to work but if the other person is shy give them a second call.  Both men and women are less nervous the second call around. 

Everybody have fun tonight

How about a good laugh? 

Don't Give Up

At some point in your journey of online dating you will want to give up.  It is easy to get confused, overwhelmed, and frustrated by this medium of communication.  Don't give up. 

If you need to, it is okay to take time off from dating.  If it’s not going well and wearing you out, time off will let you recharge your batteries and get your confidence and optimism levels back up.  We all hit rough patches, but don’t let your search for that special someone become a death march.

She's Got the Look

or He's got the look; either way you want to make first contact with a profile you've seen online.

What's the best way to go?  Most dating sites offer a preset message option that all basically say "I'm Into You," but ignore it.  That is cheating (and lame).  Send an actual message and within the message comment on something about their profile.  This shows that 1. you actually read their profile and 2. you aren't only concerned with looks because you looked beyond the pictures. 

The message doesn't have to be long or funny or even creative but it does have to show thought.  Try to be friendly and introduce yourself.  It is a good idea to ask a question about a hobby or interest of theirs.  Unfortunately, I have had multiple messages that simply read "How are you doing?" at which point I return with "Good. How are you?".  You ask a generic answer, I will give a generic response.  Frankly, I didn't learn anything about the person and so didn't feel like sharing anything either. That is a slow way to start a conversation. 

This form of getting to know someone does not feel comfortable at first but give it time and eventually if the emails go well you may just move to the next step of a phone call! 

You're just too good to be true

Both men and women write what they think the opposite sex wants to hear. 

Women write about how much they love camping and sports.  Men write about how much they like cooking and kids.  Some people genuinely like those things, but subconsciously they know it'll attract more of the opposite sex if they're speaking directly to that person's own likes and hobbies.  I do it in my profile.  I say all kinds of things like I like to hike and camp and even own my own snowboard.  Now, I don't think there is anything wrong with that but the trouble comes when you stretch the truth too far.  I also say that I only do those activities for fun so they know I am not a competitive athlete.  Don't try to be somebody your not.  Eventually the truth will come out.  An online dating profile is like a resume; include your true strengths and experiences and omit your weaknesses but do it all without lying.  Your little discrepancies will start coming out with your first phone conversation and too many little white lies will have the other person running for the hills. 

What's the name of the game?

I could have also named this post "It's Raining Men" because with hundreds of possible online dating websites there are thousands of singles looking for love (some a little more than others).  Out of all those options, what site will be best for you?  This depends on what you are looking for.  First ask yourself what do you want out of it?  Determine what kind of relationships you are looking for and what you want out of that type of relationship.  The type of relationship you want will greatly influence your choice of site.  This website is very helpful and provides a full process for selecting a dating website:  http://dating.about.com/od/onlinedating/ht/choosedating.htm

Here are some general segments of dating websites: 

Free or Paid:  Most of the popular dating websites charge a monthly fee and offer a discount with pre-payment.  There are also free websites which I suggest you stay away from.  I'm sure there are nice people on a free site but too many are just looking for a booty call and that is not how I roll. 

Mass Market or Niche:  The mass market sites are like eHarmony and Match.com.  They boast millions of members and can do a lot of sorting for you.  If you want a large base with no initial common ground than these sites are a good place to start.  They even sometimes offer free weekends so you can try them out without having to pay.  The other option is to use a niche site which offers connections based on religion, race, hobbies, money, education, there are all kinds of crazy groups out there ( but I've gotta keep this blog clean).  These are great because they take out a little of the guess work if you are very particular about wanting a certain trait or quality in your future date.  On the other hand the dating pool is waaaaay smaller which leads to fewer interactions. 

Other than free or paid and mass or niche, dating websites have become part of a herd.  For the most part they all offer quizzes to increase successful matching, chatting, email, video interviews, and allow posting multiple photos.  No matter what site you choose make sure they offer protective security and privacy policies and allow you to block and/or complain about people who are offensive or you just don't want to communicate with. This is also important if you see an ex on the site, that could be real awkward. 

TopDatingTips.com offers a great comprehensive list of dating website qualifications including safety concerns and other considerations.  http://www.topdatingtips.com/dating-sites.htm

There is nothing wrong with joining multiple sites but don't join so many that you look desperate!  Online dating takes a lot of time! 

Safety Part I

This post won't be funny.  It can't be funny.  For your physical, financial, and emotional health and safety there are certain steps to take to be safe while online dating. Please read this great comprehensive list about online dating safety provided by Match.com:  http://www.match.com/help/safetytips.aspx

In general don't share any personal information such as name and contact info until you have developed a lengthy online association.  Never, ever share financial information or give anybody money, ever.  Even after you meet them.  My extra advice is to avoid using the same user name that you use elsewhere.  You don't want a stalker hunting you down on other social media sites because of information you shared in your profile or user name. 

I don't want anybody to be afraid of online dating because of these concerns.  Just remember, most people are good people but you still need to protect yourself. 

Let it be...

We all looked our best in our early twenties and maybe we used to do all kinds of fun activities.  But if you are, say, forty today then you need to look like a forty year old in your pictures.  Just because you used to be a runner five years ago doesn't mean you still run today.  Let it be.  Let the information and pictures on your profile represent who you are today.  Let your profile say what you can offer someone today not how you would have treated them in the past. 

Even though I am older than the last time I was on the dating scene, I actually feel that I have more to offer now.  I am more comfortable in my own shoes and the experiences that have changed my life have made me a better person.  So when you see my profile, you will see pictures taken within the last year, a description of my personality as it is now, and hobbies I currently enjoy (or at least participated in the last year).  I suggest you do the same.